The Distance Between Us

Our eldest child has been one of the fortunate “ sons and daughters spinning around the world “, as Peter Allen would say.

Due to Covid , she and her friends missed out on going away as a cohort directly after school. This year they have made up for it! With great excitement many of them have relished the opportunity to travel the globe – independently organising their own individual “ gap year “ itineraries – as the world finally opened up.

Our daughter left Australia in early March and has been savouring all the joys of being young, carefree and untethered.

It has been tiring, exciting and exhilarating all at once.

And that’s just for me as her mum!

So many kilometres, myriad time zones and multiple plane rides have separated us for so long. To be honest at the start I didn’t know exactly how I would manage without her- this sparkly member of our family who has such a large presence and with whom I have so much fun. My friends were actually concerned for me.

And yet, many months have passed and I can truly say that I have loved this process of watching my baby experience the world.

It has been a rite of passage for me too.

Being apart from someone you are so intimately connected to allows you to begin to see her more fully and completely. It’s a bit like standing back in a gallery to view an art piece from a different perspective.

I have seen where her passions lie as she makes her own choices about where to go and what to see without my suggestions and influence. I see now that here at home , my views and ideas swirl around her in a strange alchemy . Distance has dissipated the power of “ Mum’s voice “ and it’s not a bad thing . I’m seeing her grow and learn and choose what’s right for her. Not just what I think is right for her . In this way I see her becoming more of herself. This has been a gift.

There is unique joy too , in being unable to solve all the niggly problems that arise simply by being too far removed from the mess – luggage issues, accommodation muck ups and working visa stresses – have all been dealt with successfully and maturely . Needing to adjust plans and learning that in travel, as in life , not everything goes to plan. These are lessons she is learning- and from afar I am reminded of them too.

Day in and day out as parents we try so hard to impart good values and principles to our children.

It can be hard to know what actually sticks.

In the space carved between us that travel has created , it is easier to observe what she and her friends have chosen to hold close.

From far away home in Melbourne, I have seen bravery and composure when she has been forced to make difficult decisions without us . My stomach churning has proved unnecessary as one realises that all the lessons we have tried so hard to impart , are waiting there, ready to be utilised elegantly in just the right moment.

Loyalty and friendship have been the backbone of this year long journey. Counting on each other, compromising and trusting in her friends has deepened beautiful old friendships  and has bolstered the many wonderful new friendships  made along the way.

There is also so much pride in seeing how Judaism has been naturally interwoven into this year of exploration . Our daughter had the privilege of living and learning in Jerusalem at the start of her year  but each country following Israel has revealed a different diaspora for her to savour. Shabbat dinner complete with challah is early each Friday now in Copenhagen where the sun sets at 3pm. Yom Tov hospitality in Antwerp will always be remembered and appreciated. I especially loved seeing footage sent to us via WhatsApp showing the highlights of a day she and her friends spent in Tuscany . A day full of fun , touring and pasta. A quick shot of sun-kissed boys taking their kippot out of their pockets and placing them on their heads as they enter the Shul in Sienna, moved me so much . To imagine that in the planning of their day , they thought to take along a Kippah. Their parents and their school can be so proud.

These children came of age amidst the craziness of a pandemic. They were isolated and in their rooms. Now they are out and about, soaking it all up, learning about themselves and about the world. Their joy is palpable! They are showing us, waiting back at home, that they are capable, independent and grown up.

Of course , there have been times I have been beside myself with worry. There were crazy festivals, periods of solo travelling in big cities, public transport late at night, cycling, flying , hiking…. But as days became months I began to relax, understand and appreciate the limitations of being the Mum of a long distance adult. I have been forced to let go and it is good.

It is not long until my child returns to me. I can’t wait to finally cuddle her and have her back at home . At the same time , this distance between us has been something I will truly always treasure.